Writing Tip: Avoid the Selfish Sermon
So it’s Tuesday. It’s my day to post something fantastic on our company blog. So here it is. Yup, this is it. I’m going to talk a little bit about something, expound upon it in the middle, then finish up with something witty or thought-provoking. It’s going to be a topic you’ll enjoy.
I’m now moving into the meat of the post. This is where it starts to get juicy. I’m not only making a good point, but I’m going to back it up with some solid facts or mind-blowing observations. I am 96.3% sure you will be intrigued, and will start considering passing this post along to your friends. You will keep reading.
Now closer to the end, I’m starting to wrap up the loose ends. Your questions have been answered and you are walking away richer than when you started reading. It was a great visit and you learned a lot about me.
Or did you?
You, in fact, got nothing more out of this than fluff. As the writer, you envisioned a Jedi mind trick, willing the audience to be excited about you, but that’s not the result. You actually ended up with the Selfish Sermon, a name I made up this very moment.
The Selfish Sermon includes three bad habits:
~ describing a process when not meant to be a How To
~ using “I” over and over
~ telling people how to feel
Avoid these pitfalls if you want to connect with your audience through your writing, on your website, your blog, a brochure, anywhere. Just a few simple alterations, and the Selfish Sermon becomes the start of a conversation.
Let’s use an example for illustration – an excerpt from the website of a massage therapist:
Instead of describing the process → describe the benefits
Process is factual, results are emotional. What compels a person to get off your website and onto the phone with you is what you can do for them. How can you improve their current state? The question is not how exactly, in what steps, will you improve their state. It’s a question of how will they feel different after working with you? And how is your help different from another provider’s help? Describe results, not a process.
Original:
“First I choose a fragrant oil based on your preferences and massage it into the back, shoulders and arms.”
Refreshed:
“We use organic fragrant oils during your massage, gentle on the skin and relaxing to the senses.”
Instead of using “I” → focus on the reader
Yes, it is your company. Yes, you are the one providing a service. But you are selling it for THEM, your audience. Involve them in your writing or you’ll be talking to yourself.
Original:
“After a few minutes, I take warm rocks and use them to massage key tension points of the same area. After 15 minutes, I use more warm rocks and lay them along the spine.”
Refreshed:
“After a few minutes, we start working with warm rocks, erasing pain and stiffness by massaging the key tension points of your back and neck. The spine is then treated to lasting relief as the rocks are placed along key points to bathe the tired muscles in warmth.”
Instead of describing a feeling → create a feeling
The first two points are building an emotional reaction in the audience. Now is not the time to break that. This step is a bit trickier, but your goal is to think of the things picked up by the senses and relate them to the end result. In the case of a massage therapist, there is touch, smell, and sound, but all combined equal extreme relaxation and comfort.
Original:
“Once the heat is gone, I remove the rocks, finish with some gentle pressure, and allow you to reflect with soothing music. You will be at your most relaxed.”
Refreshed:
“As you drift into deep relaxation, the last gentle touches remind your body to let go of its lingering tension. Lay as long as you need, reflecting on the serenity in your muscles and mind.”
Granted, this is not my best writing, and it is easier to refresh text as a whole rather than sentence by sentence. But it does its job - illustrate ways to avoid the Selfish Sermon. Focus on the benefits for the customer, how your product or service applies to your client’s life, and create a genuine connection.
I’m now moving into the meat of the post. This is where it starts to get juicy. I’m not only making a good point, but I’m going to back it up with some solid facts or mind-blowing observations. I am 96.3% sure you will be intrigued, and will start considering passing this post along to your friends. You will keep reading.
Now closer to the end, I’m starting to wrap up the loose ends. Your questions have been answered and you are walking away richer than when you started reading. It was a great visit and you learned a lot about me.
Or did you?
You, in fact, got nothing more out of this than fluff. As the writer, you envisioned a Jedi mind trick, willing the audience to be excited about you, but that’s not the result. You actually ended up with the Selfish Sermon, a name I made up this very moment.
The Selfish Sermon includes three bad habits:
~ describing a process when not meant to be a How To
~ using “I” over and over
~ telling people how to feel
Avoid these pitfalls if you want to connect with your audience through your writing, on your website, your blog, a brochure, anywhere. Just a few simple alterations, and the Selfish Sermon becomes the start of a conversation.
Let’s use an example for illustration – an excerpt from the website of a massage therapist:
“First I choose a fragrant oil based on your preferences and massage it into the back, shoulders and arms. After a few minutes, I take warm rocks and use them to massage key tension points of the same area. After 15 minutes, I use more warm rocks and lay them along the spine. Once the heat is gone, I remove the rocks, finish with some gentle pressure, and allow you to reflect with soothing music. You will be at your most relaxed”
Instead of describing the process → describe the benefits
Process is factual, results are emotional. What compels a person to get off your website and onto the phone with you is what you can do for them. How can you improve their current state? The question is not how exactly, in what steps, will you improve their state. It’s a question of how will they feel different after working with you? And how is your help different from another provider’s help? Describe results, not a process.
Original:
“First I choose a fragrant oil based on your preferences and massage it into the back, shoulders and arms.”
Refreshed:
“We use organic fragrant oils during your massage, gentle on the skin and relaxing to the senses.”
Instead of using “I” → focus on the reader
Yes, it is your company. Yes, you are the one providing a service. But you are selling it for THEM, your audience. Involve them in your writing or you’ll be talking to yourself.
Original:
“After a few minutes, I take warm rocks and use them to massage key tension points of the same area. After 15 minutes, I use more warm rocks and lay them along the spine.”
Refreshed:
“After a few minutes, we start working with warm rocks, erasing pain and stiffness by massaging the key tension points of your back and neck. The spine is then treated to lasting relief as the rocks are placed along key points to bathe the tired muscles in warmth.”
Instead of describing a feeling → create a feeling
The first two points are building an emotional reaction in the audience. Now is not the time to break that. This step is a bit trickier, but your goal is to think of the things picked up by the senses and relate them to the end result. In the case of a massage therapist, there is touch, smell, and sound, but all combined equal extreme relaxation and comfort.
Original:
“Once the heat is gone, I remove the rocks, finish with some gentle pressure, and allow you to reflect with soothing music. You will be at your most relaxed.”
Refreshed:
“As you drift into deep relaxation, the last gentle touches remind your body to let go of its lingering tension. Lay as long as you need, reflecting on the serenity in your muscles and mind.”
Granted, this is not my best writing, and it is easier to refresh text as a whole rather than sentence by sentence. But it does its job - illustrate ways to avoid the Selfish Sermon. Focus on the benefits for the customer, how your product or service applies to your client’s life, and create a genuine connection.
Labels: small business, writing tip
posted by Anonymous at
1:10 PM
2 Comments:
Karen,
Good clean simple post.
I am afraid I may have to go back and look at a couple hundred blog posts.
Did I start with "I" again...
Thanks for the comment, Garrett! The thought was not meant to make anyone feel bad, I promise you. I find myself writing a lot of Selfish Sermons so just have to check myself in the editing process. Thanks for checking in.
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