Would You Buy This?

It took a long time for me to believe that my uncanny ability to make up daft product names and slogans might actually be worth a dime. Who would have thought that throwing out a product name that made my father blush to the tips of his ears would eventually lead me to founding a business? The product in question was a vitamin that promised erm…let’s just call it growth…that I know would’ve been a far greater success had it been sold under the name I invented, paternal embarrassment or not.

Well, it seems that all those equally daft “inventions” that I periodically dream up may also make me a dime. There is a company out there called Suck.UK (no, I’m not a fan of that moniker either but I get it), who design, well, stuff. My personal faves are the Charity Money Boxes that feature forlorn children intended to guilt you into donating your spare change rather than losing it down the back of the couch, and Mummy Mike the rubber band holder, who as you wrap more and more rubber bands around his body, takes on the appearance of a mummy. Now the rubber band holder I would totally use in my office, I’m a fan of things that look like other things (such as a toilet brush holder that looks like a tree - I know, I’m weird) but I can’t help suspect that since these particular children look neither diseased nor hungry, their melancholy has more to do with their toys. What child wants a doll or a teddy bear nowadays? Don’t toys require Artificial Intelligence and need to cost as much as half my monthly rent check to be considered worthy? Anyway, I like the concept but you’ll have to throw a couple of bandages and pox on the kids before these money boxes work on me.

I learned of Suck.UK through a BBC article (I know, credibility!) about how China is the biggest producer of tat. Now I need to segue here because, as occasionally happens, a word that I and the rest of Britain use has a completely different meaning this side of the pond. In this instance Thesaurus.com tells me that ‘tat’ means to intertwine or weave. ‘Tat,’ in Britain means anything cheap, tacky and gimmicky that we in no way need but insist on buying anyway. It seems, however, that while China produces the tat, it is the British, or at least the West, who invent it. Yes, that Big Mouth Billy Bass singing fish that hangs on the wall of more places than you would expect, was actually invented by a Brit. This gives me high hopes for selling my inventions and making that extra dime. How about my towel-sock for spectacles that allows you to wear your glasses while playing sports, or the head frame to support your toothbrush so you can do other things while brushing your teeth? I’m absolutely sure that if I presented these ideas to Suck.UK, or a company like them, I would definitely, certainly, make a dime.